Update ten months on….

So it’s now been nearly ten months since Ivy was born, so much has happened in these past ten months that it’s really been a crazy year. I’m glad to say my post natal depression seems to be getting soo much better and I feel like I’m nearly over it. I feel like I’ve bonded with Ivy finally and I finally feel that things are getting better for me on a whole. I have came to one decision over the past few months though, I don’t think having a child will happen again for me it’s not something I wish to experience again.

A few months ago I split up with Ivy’s dad it was the hardest thing to do, but I know I’ve done it for the right reasons. I wasn’t happy anymore and I hadn’t been for a long time. There’s only so many times you can be called crazy, retarded and getting told you need to take more tablets for before you finally snap and have enough. Not only that he felt I was inferior to him because I stayed at home looking after the baby and I didn’t deserve what he did, the day I moved in with him was the biggest mistake of my life. I look back now and realize I wasn’t happy for years, although my two best friends Ross and Shaunie could see this I just tried getting through it for the sake of Ivy and part of me believed what he was saying.I truly believe he was played a big factor in my PND by telling me I wasn’t good enough and acting like I was a child. It makes me so angry thinking about it. The good thing is he’s still in regular contact with Ivy but it’s odd he won’t be spending Christmas or new year with her as he’d rather go out and get drunk,it doesn’t affect me but in a way it take me back to the relationship everything is his way whether you agree or not. 

The break  up was kind of messy we owned a house together, Ivy was at a nursery round the corner from the house, i was studying for my midwifery degree but it all got fucked up when he decided he deserved the house more then me and his daughter, so we had to cram ourselves in a bedroom at my mum and dads house for a few weeks until I found the place I live at now. I’m not mad now but it just proves to me more reasons why we split up. I’m sure any other guy would happily let there daughter stay where she is settled but not him. Anyway moving on from that rigmarole.

Last month I found out my best friend was pregnant, I am completely ecstatic. It couldn’t have happened to anyone more worthy of having a child. I can’t wait to start spoiling the little thing it’s going to be the most loved little baby by everyone she knows.. 

Anyhow going back to the PND, as I said it’s nearly cleared up I’ve started doing co-sleeping with Ivy and I think this really helps me because I sleep better at night I don’t have to keep getting up to check she’s breathing or silly things like that. I feel our bond is a whole lot better now I don’t feel so dis-attached to her compared to how I felt four months ago.She’s starting to get a right little character now, she’s crawling and making lots of babbling noises.

Any how just a short rambling up date off me x

 

mk

Post natal depression 8 months on….

So I’ve not blogged for ages, I’ve been super busy. It actually feels nice having structure to my day rather than just waking up rolling around with the baby,cleaning, shopping and meeting friends, Anyway it’s been 8 months since Ivy came in to the world and eight months since my whole life changed, and sometimes not in the way I wanted it too….

Reading back at the blog, it’s apparent I’m at a completely different place I was 3 months ago but i’m still not 100%. Reading on so many websites and hearing off so many people 6 months is when you’re supposed to hit the magical ‘oh my PND has completely vanished in to thin air, I feel completely fine now!’. But I seriously wonder for people like myself and others how do others feel who suffered from it?. I mean most days I’m great, I’ve not suffered like I did 3-4 months ago where watching Jeremy Kyle felt like that was it, that was my life I’m just going to sit here and be a stay at home mum now then proceed to burst in tears and just want to run away… But I don’t feel completely over it, it was only last week I was up checking Ivy was breathing in the night or getting horrible thoughts again. I don’t think it just vanishes yeah medication can change things for many but a lot of it is deep rooted. Like most people assume PND is just not bonding with the baby, yeah that’s a part of it. But for me it was more, I just wasn’t me I was so dis-attached from the world, I remember coyly telling a Dr at the hospital I felt I had PND but they just told me to see my GP, for someone who was classed as high risk anyway that wasn’t great, I knew I needed help and I was clearly asking for it there even though it might not of been obvious. Even after sitting down with the MW and HV’s I still failed to get much help off them what’s really sad as it just shows why so many women suffer with it, luckily I was strong enough to admit I was pretty much fucked over and that I was suffering, but how many women don’t or try to do it the way I did at the start and get little or no acknowledgement over it?..

After having that experience of feeling like there was little or no help from the medical profession  when I felt better I felt like there was a huge gap for women who may feel like I once did/do. So that’s mainly the point why  I wanted to set up a group for awarene for women suffering from PND.  PND can be the most loneliest thing ever imaginable, everyone just assumes you love  this little baby or assumes you feel great, uplifted etc but when you’re not it’s horrible. It’s almost as if you’re a fraud or some kind of evil mother. I can remember every one asking me about how amazing it was being a mum and just lying through my teeth. If I’m honest I’m only just starting to enjoy it, and I’m only just starting to feel that amazing bond in drips and drabs. Another reason I wanted to set it up is I wanted other mum’s to be able to talk to each other about their PND, I remember me just wishing there was someone I could talk to about it rather then just go over it in my head or google search it, because there was seriously no point asking my baby mum friends as it’s all mostly shit’s and giggles for them and alternatively that would of made me 1000X worse than I already felt…So anyway, the group starts in two weeks and hopefully it works out, as it’s something I know I would of most defiantly of benefited from when I was at my worst.

Birth Trauma, Post Natal Depression and birthing programs….

Yuck, last night I got home from my mums and switched on the tv the first thing that came on was someone giving Birth. Part of me screams to switch it off because I know how I’l feel after watching it,then part of me just wants to watch it as birth is the most amazing thing ever…

I carried on watching it and huge emotions just went over me. I try to recall my birthing experience, the thing is I can’t. The only thing I can remember is me screaming, the feeling of my back breaking and just not opening my eyes.

I mean I can’t even remember Ivy’s first cry, I don’t even know if she did cry, I have to ask people,it’s almost as if someone else gave birth to her and I’m asking them how it went. Looking back I think how disconnected from my birth I was, was what caused them terrible obsessive thoughts about Ivy not being mine or being swapped.

The part that gets me is when the woman is so in tune with herself and her baby, they look as if they get that rush of love instantly and they all look so happy. That’s the bit that breaks me the most, when Ivy was born the first thing I wanted to do was just sleep ( what I’m guessing is normal) and just dump her in her moses basket. Don’t get me wrong I did feel a bit of love for her not that huge rush people talk about and part of me thinks I felt like that because it was what was expected of me.

 It’s crazy thinking I can’t even watch a birthing program, but I’m looking at going in to a career where I will be delivering babies everyday. In a way it could be therapy, it could make me feel better about how things went for me. And I hope my experiences might enhance me and my knowledge as a Midwife.

Either way, I think I need to lay off the birthing programs. I know it’s six months on but it’s all still so raw. 

So I’ve not managed to do a post as of late…

Things have been pretty hepatic. I’m sorting out going back into studying what comes with a whole load of Rig-moral from Finances to childcare.  

The childcare has proven to be the hardest, provisionally I’m looking at Ivy being in the same nursery until she starts school in 4 years time. I looked at one before finally finding the one for her I did have other viewings at another nursery on Friday, but once I seen that nursery I knew it was the one I wanted to send Ivy. I think you do just get that feeling when something is right. The first nursery was atrocious the place where they held the babies was a dark dingy basement where no natural day light came in and the toys looked like they was older then me!. I’m not really that bothered about toys and stuff as long as Ivy is looked after in the best possible way and comes home happy that is all I care about.

Another thing what has kept me busy has been trying to cram every little bit of social time I can in my last few months of freedom. I’m seriously going to get my head down now, I’ve messed around for far to long. The annoying thing is I know when I put myself to it I can do it. I’m just to easy to give up when something else gets my attention. This time I know it’s my last shot at trying. I don’t have the time to fuck around and  it’s something I’ve always wanted to do, sitting on my arse watching tv or going out shopping all day won’t get me there..

This Sunday, I was filmed to have a short clip in an OCD documentary for ‘living with me and my OCD’. I felt like I babbled on a lot there’s a lot I want to say about OCD and I could go on for absolute hours. It will make an interesting watch when I finally see the edited clip there’s a lot of ‘err’s’ in there….

Ooo, and just a little bit of information my little baby Bear has cut her first tooth! It’s not poking straight through yet it’s just coming out of the gum!. She is going to look soo cute when her first peggy comes through. All these screamy nights and dribbles are finally worth it for her.. Oh and that hideous teething rash she has…

Anyway that’s all I can type for now it’s quarter past twelve and I have my young cousin coming over at half ten tomorrow oh and the small issue of a six month old who is teething!Image

A little bit OCD, a little bit sterotypical….

So last night, A little bit OCD was on. I don’t know if I’m the only sufferer who finds the name of the documentary a bit weird, and the fact it doesn’t make any sense is another thing. How can someone be a little bit obsessive compulsive disorder?..

I gave them information on Pure-O and how it works. It wasn’t really mentioned in the show to be honest. It was more focused on the stereotypical types of OCD opposed to the more rare types. Don’t get me wrong they shown what was OCD and what wasn’t.

Anyway, I wanted to get back on to the subject of mental health, mainly Ocd…..

One thing I will ALWAYS find insulting about people towards mental health is when they mock it in a way that is one insulting and two just plain ignorant to it.  The amount of times I hear people say ‘ oh I think I’m depressed or omg I can’t stop cleaning I’m so OCD’… I know a lot of times they are kind of ‘figure of speeches’ but do they actually realize how insulting it can be to someone who suffers from these conditions. I’ve been lucky in a way, I’ve never really suffered with depression on a large scale I get it in drips and drabs. But my OCD has always been on a large scale and when I hear people say ‘oh I think I have OCD all I do is clean’ the first thing that goes through my head is ‘ you’re a complete wanker’ and then the other thing is ‘do they know what it’s like to suffer with OCD?’. The fact of the matter is we don’t just stand their cleaning or we don’t just keep washing our hands.  I have piles of CBT work that I look through now and again and just looking at an obsessive pattern seems mental to me when I’m not in that frame of mind.  People don’t understand that cleaning your house once a day means you are suffering with obsessive compulsive disorder, it just means your house proud. If you had OCD, you would of lost count of how many times you have cleaned your house and your more than likely cleaning it because you think it’s contaminated or going to make you ill and the thought of this makes you highly anxious so you clean to eradicate the feeling of anxiousness.

Ocd is thought to be a problem with processing information; our short term memory isn’t very good. So we doubt ourselves for instance I can leave the house and know for sure my door is shut but before I know it I’m running back down the road double checking it is because I’ve just thought maybe I left it open when I was getting the pram out, but deep down I know it’s shut and I did shut it but I best double check just to make sure and to prove to myself I did. If I could give my neighbour my number and phone her every time I went out to check my taps are off and my door is shut I would!.

Before a few years ago, I used to find my OCD a burden. Now I find it interesting. I find what makes someone with OCD tick or what people get obsessed about amazing. One thing my Dr said to me and a lot of medical health professionals have said is that people with OCD are highly intelligent people, but they pay a price for it because OCD is one of the harshest of mental health disorder’s known. I wouldn’t class myself as ‘highly intelligent’ yes I’m highly educated when it comes to what I’ve obsessed about, but I wouldn’t say I could sit an exam tomorrow and score an A*.Ask me about some kind of wacky health condition and I could tell you the in’s and out’ there and then though.

Anyway, I guess the whole point of this post is to educate people on the fact that they shouldn’t throw around loosely I have OCD or some other kind of mental health disorder. It’s hurtful to those who are burdened by them every day of their life and extremely insulting. If anyone ever wants more information of me about OCD then feel free to ask me, I’m more than happy too.  

Mental Health stigma… Really!?

I haven’t had any time to post this week. One due to being lack of time and one as I’ve actually been thinking how lucky I am to just have these ‘minor’ issues not something more severe.

This week we received some shocking news, I am not going to go in detail but it amazes how many mothers are affected by post natal illness and it’s still really un-talked about by so many. After posting this blog I received lots of inbox messages from people telling me they too suffer from anxitey, pnd or some form of mental illness, but are made to feel ashamed because of it. One thing I want to say to every one is mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of everyone suffers with stress and depression at one point in their life, some people are just better at putting a front on then others… I’m not saying go around screaming from the roof tops that your anti-depressents or suffering from some mental health issue. I just think people should be less ashamed, if people carry on like this mental health is ALWAYS going to have a stigma that it should be hidden and brushed under the carpet. When in fact people should be more educated on the fact.

The amount of times I’ve heard mental illness being stereotyped is amazing. I get it all the time suffering from OCD I always get asked the same question when someone discovers I suffer from it ‘ Oh so what do you clean then?, do you wash your hands constantly?’.. They always seem shocked when I jump back at them and explain to them that OCD isn’t what the media potrays it to be it’s actually a spectrum of things from obsessive thoughts to obsessive checking.  The same goes for people who suffer from depression or panic attacks most people think this makes them an unstable person when this isn’t completely true.

People don’t seem to realize how amazing and complex the mind is. Many people think people can just snap out of mental health issues that would be amazing if people could. For example depression, if we was to visit the Dr with depression the most common treatment is an SSRI (Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) Aka an anti-depressent medication. I won’t get in to scientific information about this, as one it will bore you and two I’m too tired to start describing how neurons send signals to the brain…. but anyway as I was getting at, it’s far more complicated then just snapping out of it there’s a whole host of things involved.

Anyway, I’m seriously tired and I don’t even know if the above paragraphs make sense. I’l type more tomo

Ciao x

Postpartum Team visit…

I had my first visit on Tuesday from the perinatal team. After waiting since Ivy’s birth to be taken seriously about things, I finally got referred by my health visitor. Don’t get me wrong they have been amazing both my Dr’s,Midwifes and HV’s with my OCD and PND, but sometimes I feel they play a wait it out tactic. Maybe they pick up on the fact I’m quiet strong minded and I do eventually get over things. I’ve suffered with OCD and anxitey nearly all my life, postnatal depression is just another thing to add to the long list of problems I’ve encountered over my twenty one years.

My Dr well and truly believes I can shake this off me, she has been my savior during this whole ordeal by seeing me without appointments and having patience for me to just babble on about everything and understand where I coming from, from both a professional and mother type of view. As well as being amazingly blunt with me and sometimes laughing at me when I tell her whats going through my mind. That’s what I need sometimes, I don’t need sympathy I don’t want it, Not once out of the whole 12 years of me suffering this bastard OCD have I asked for sympathy, all I want is someone to off load on not make me feel about 2 inches tall because of it.

Anyway, the perinatal midwife came round and took a basic history. The health visitor failed to inform her I’ve had OCD since childhood and that my PND has been so severe it’s affected my daily life. People automatically think ‘oh she’s depressed doesn’t that mean she should be moping around all day?’. No I don’t mope around all day the best thing is to get on with things and beat this thing one bit at a time. Depression doesn’t mean someone sits in bed all day crying, we get up’s and down’s like everyone else. Although my down times are surrounded by ‘baby issues’.

We got to the point of talking about my labor, I was met with complete shock, Why wasn’t I given an epidural? Why wasn’t I c-sectioned?, ‘did I have forceps?’ the list was endless. The truth is I don’t know why I didn’t get any medical intervention. They was the longest 96 hours of my life and painful but they was also meant to be the most amazing and cherished memories, instead they are the most darkest and best of forgotten memories. It could of been worse I could of tore drastically due to Ivy presenting herself face first. I could of ended up laboring for more and more days and no one paying attention to me,Just thinking I was another girl crying wolf not handling labor the way I should.

We then got on to my child hood, I’m guessing everything plays a factor in to my ‘mental health’. We got to the point where she asked about my school life. School was shit, my best friend died when I was ten of  cancer. That’s something I think about everyday, she was someone who I was so close to. In a way I feel like I seen to much at a young age, I watched her slowly deteriorate and the cancer take hold on her life. My best friend suddenly became wheelchair bound and to ill to come in school. She was the only person I got on with. One thing that will always get to me to this day was how everyone bullied her, but when she became ill they all want to best friends. People are so fucked up at times. I recently went to her Grave with her Brother, That was closure in itself. It had been ten years since she passed and I never got the chance to say goodbye. One day she was here the next she was gone. I’ll never forget how I found out, I used to write her letters to keep in touch with her because some days she was just to ill. One evening I took one round to her and I just went on bout my day thinking nothing of it. When I got in my Dad said ‘Kate I have something to tell you… Sabah’s died’ at the time I didn’t really understand, but it has defiantly impacted my life. Every headache I get I think about having a brain tumor. I should never of had to experience that at such a young age and she shouldn’t of done. In reality my best friend should still be here going to university and living her life.

We then got on to my adolescent years this is really where my Ocd and anxitey kicked in. I just started year seven around a year after Sabah died. I was sat in the school hall and all of a sudden my head went light and my hearing went muffled. I truly thought I was dying I ran out of the school hall and didn’t know what the fuck was happening to me. Obviously with my head being light and my vision being a bit off my first thought was ‘brain tumour’ things was still fresh there. My panic attacks and Ocd  carried on all the way through my teenage years. I wouldn’t say I lived a normal teenage life. I suffered from agrophobia so even getting to school was a challenge. Looking back I think I should of received more help from the school. I was very ill but it went UN-noticed teachers knew about it but failed to really acknowledge the fact that. To me Mental illness is just as bad as having a terminal disease it effects your life in just the same way. Your crippled by it.

When I was 15 I met my first boyfriend, this was my first real relationship. So I didn’t have a clue really about what was a normal relationship and what wasn’t. The relationship started off good then it turned volatile. He became abusive mentally,emotionally and physically. It taken me 2 years to leave that relationship. I knew it was wrong but as many abused women know it’s just not that simple to leave. Your told daily no one loves you but him or no one wants to know you. Before you know it you have no friends as you have cut of all contact and you well and truly believe you can do no better and that is what you deserve.

Moving on from that,we spoke about my relationship with Ivy. Obviously it has been affected to some extent. And I’ve mentioned it many times on my other posts. Sometimes I would die for her other times I could run away and just be me again.

She then asked about my OCD and how it’s affecting me. One part of it is that I can’t stop checking Ivy is breathing when she’s asleep the amount of times I’ve woke her up to make sure she’s okay. And the other part of it is I keep making sure nothing can hurt her an example of this is the other day , I left her downstairs while I ran upstairs to grab a shirt to iron. I left the iron on and ivy was on the floor on the other side of the room. When I got upstairs the first thought in my head was ‘ oh my god, what if that iron falls on her!?’ there was no way it would it was all the way on the other side of the room!. I ran downstairs in a  blind panic. Obviously Ivy was still just playing away on her play mat, unhurt.

In the end we decided it would be best for me to have counseling for my type of labor and how I feel about things postpartum and CBT for my OCD.

Today is just one of them days…

 

Today is just one of them days. Women on my Facebook seem to be having babies left right and centre. I always wonder what they expect things to be like postpartum. We are always told when we have our babies we are going to feel this over whelming love for them and that we will know right there and then we would lay ourselves on the line for them. Part of my also wonders what they expect of motherhood, do they expect it to be one big fairytale like many mum’s make it out to be? When the truth is you have this baby and some days it feels like the best thing ever and the next day it can feel like a complete burden on your life.

 

I remember when I was pregnant with Ivy; I had so many expectations of myself. I always thought everything would be amazing when I had her. When in fact I didn’t. I remember forcing out every little smile or every time someone asked ‘are you proud?’ forcing out a yes or when out asked ”I bet you couldn’t live without her now could you?’ back then the truth was, yes I could of quite happily of just gave her away, after birth I was suffering with horrendous postnatal depression. I didn’t know I was but it’s clear now I am/was.

 

Every time I hear of a pregnant woman going into labour or even see one. I can’t help but feel nervous and jealous. Jealous of the fact they get experience labour and the post-partum period and may have a better time than me. And nervous at the thought of having to go through a bad labour, and a horrible time postpartum. I remember having huge expectations of myself during my pregnancy. I thought I would have my baby and be this doting mother to my child, not the mother who sits there wishing she could run away from her new-born. The feeling came on pretty quickly when I was in hospital after delivery I hadn’t slept for close to a week, I begged Rob for his car keys to which he clearly replied ‘what about the baby?’, That didn’t even cross my mind, I didn’t care I just wanted to be alone.

 

Nine weeks after Ivy was born  Rob’s brother’s girlfriend also had her first child via c-section. I remember all I felt was jealousy and a deep horrible feeling I can’t explain. I spent the whole week crying after she had her baby, wishing I was her, wishing I could just feel what it’s like to experience that rush of love and to feel elated to be a new mother. Then I just felt plain jealous that she had it ‘easy’ and that she had bonded with her baby straight away. I remember meeting my friend that day and just bursting out in to tears and just feeling plain daft.

It’s hard to explain to other people, In a lot of people’s eyes I had an easy labour just slightly complicated. A lot of the time it’s not the labour I had that gets at me it’s my postpartum experience, the feeling of resenting this new baby and my partner. Feeling trapped by both of them. Feeling like my Mum and partner were better for her then me. And just wanting to run away as far as I could. One day I was sat on the bus and I just thought to myself ‘this bus goes in to Manchester, I could just get a train and go London or somewhere and start a new life for myself, Ivy doesn’t need me’ .I pondered on the thought for a while but then something just made me think rationally, Ivy needs me every little girl needs their mum.

 

I think I will always feel some kind of negative feeling towards having a baby. It’s not a happy memory for me. I grieve daily for the way things went, wishing I could go back and change things. Mentally I don’t think I was ready to be a mum. Me and Rob had only been together two years we didn’t even really know if we was right for each other, I hadn’t sorted out my career, I hadn’t finished studying. I just felt plain trapped by both of them. At one point I resented the hell out of Rob, anything he did grated on me from the way he was amazing with Ivy to the fact he got a break by going to work every day.

 

I wouldn’t change anything now. I’ve learnt that I can have my baby and I can go on to do my career I want to do in midwifery. Some days are better than others but when I look at Ivy, I know every little bit of depression I suffer or hurt I feel over things is because she is my world plain and simple. I want everything to be perfect for her and I want myself to be the best I can be for her. But if you ask me now do I love being a mum, the answer is ‘no’ I still haven’t found my feet and mentally I’ve still not dealt with things.

My Post natal depression Story:

I had a fairly easy pregnancy apart from a few minor problems with my heart, towards the end. I was always warned I was high risk for Post natal depression due to the fact I have suffered with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder & Anxiety since being 9 years old. This heightened during my pregnancy and I ended up taking fluxotine in the final months of my pregnancy, due to panic attacks and agrophobia rearing it’s ugly head again.

I was due on the 15th February 2012 with my first child. I passed my due date by 5 days and I gave birth to Ivy Valentina Garner on the 20th Feb 2012. I had what some would class as a traumatic labour, Ivy was back to back and I contracted regularly for 4 days without pain relief or dilation. When I finally reached 4cm the rest of my labour is a blur due to me over doing the gas and air and not sleeping for 4 nights. I must admit I never felt that rush of love as soon as she was placed on me. I was met with relief the labour was over, and the fact she was finally here. After this bad labour I have since felt very envious of pregnant women thinking that they will have a better/easier labour which I know isn’t true.

It became apparent I was suffering mentally the day after Ivy was born, I wanted to leave the hospital to the point of begging a midwife to let me go home. I never once left my bed after giving birth unless I needed the toilet or Ivy needed feeding. I felt highly anxious at being in a hospital and detached. I begged my partner for his keys to let me go and sleep in the car or to take the baby away from me as all I wanted was to sleep. This to some people would be normal and expected after a prolonged labour but the more worrying fact was that I felt no need to protect my newborn I could of happily of left her at the hospital, while I lay in bed depressed..

I was finally released from hospital two days after giving birth. The Midwifes gave me lots of leaflets on post natal depression and on OCD. I pushed them to one side and became ignorant of the fact that something was clearly up with me. Instead of being the blushing mother bringing my baby home the first thing I did was dump her in her moses basket leave her downstairs with her Dad and declare to him and my mum that they must leave me in bed and not disturb me. My mental health rapidly deteriorated over the next day or so I expected baby blues but this was more of a clear  depression. I didn’t want to know my baby, I felt no maternal instinct towards her and I just wanted to sleep all day.

Two days after Ivy was born, the midwife came to visit where my partner alerted her that I didn’t seem ‘with it’ and my Mum also told her about my lack of bond with Ivy. I remember her asking me questions and I just sat there thinking ‘ I might get my bags tonight and run off. She doesn’t need me she has all these people around her who can care for her. I’m so fucked up’. The midwife suggested I go to see my Dr, although I was lying in bed for most of the day I wasn’t sleeping, If I did get too sleep it was for around an hour maximum and it was a VERY light sleep.

I went to see the Dr and was upped on my medication and was told that really this was inevitable to happen to me given my previous mental health history. I seriously believed at one point I had post natal physcosis and this is where my OCD starts to step in with my PND. I sat at the dr’s panicing because I felt tired and not with it I had a severe form of post natal depression, obviously I didn’t but I couldn’t help but obbsess that I did. That when I got to the Dr’s office I would be sectioned under the mental health act what was complete over thinking and over reacting on my part

 

A few weeks passed and I still felt the same, until one day I read an article in a magazine about babies being swapped in Russia. All of a sudden a thought popped in to my head ‘ maybe Ivy was swapped after I had her’ then all sorts of crazy thoughts came along with that ‘maybe I had a baby that wasn’t right so they swapped her with a normal one’, ‘maybe because Ivy has a funny foot they swapped her’. I re-went back to the Dr’s regarding this and was once again told it’s severe OCD and PND.My medication then got changed from Fluxotine to Paroxtine what has been very helpfull.

It’s now coming up to five months on from having Ivy and I still get very bad days and very good days. When Ivy’s being particularly screamy I find I get a  bad flare of PND and OCD but when she is good I’m able to stay calm.

In this blog I am going to keep blogging my up’s and downs with my PND AND OCD.

Katie x

Introduction

Hi my name is katie, I live In Manchester in the North West of England. I recently gave birth to my first child after this I suffered horrendous OCD and PND.

 

I have decided to start writing a blog of my up’s and down’s with my obbsessive compulsive disorder and with my Post natal depression.