I had my first visit on Tuesday from the perinatal team. After waiting since Ivy’s birth to be taken seriously about things, I finally got referred by my health visitor. Don’t get me wrong they have been amazing both my Dr’s,Midwifes and HV’s with my OCD and PND, but sometimes I feel they play a wait it out tactic. Maybe they pick up on the fact I’m quiet strong minded and I do eventually get over things. I’ve suffered with OCD and anxitey nearly all my life, postnatal depression is just another thing to add to the long list of problems I’ve encountered over my twenty one years.
My Dr well and truly believes I can shake this off me, she has been my savior during this whole ordeal by seeing me without appointments and having patience for me to just babble on about everything and understand where I coming from, from both a professional and mother type of view. As well as being amazingly blunt with me and sometimes laughing at me when I tell her whats going through my mind. That’s what I need sometimes, I don’t need sympathy I don’t want it, Not once out of the whole 12 years of me suffering this bastard OCD have I asked for sympathy, all I want is someone to off load on not make me feel about 2 inches tall because of it.
Anyway, the perinatal midwife came round and took a basic history. The health visitor failed to inform her I’ve had OCD since childhood and that my PND has been so severe it’s affected my daily life. People automatically think ‘oh she’s depressed doesn’t that mean she should be moping around all day?’. No I don’t mope around all day the best thing is to get on with things and beat this thing one bit at a time. Depression doesn’t mean someone sits in bed all day crying, we get up’s and down’s like everyone else. Although my down times are surrounded by ‘baby issues’.
We got to the point of talking about my labor, I was met with complete shock, Why wasn’t I given an epidural? Why wasn’t I c-sectioned?, ‘did I have forceps?’ the list was endless. The truth is I don’t know why I didn’t get any medical intervention. They was the longest 96 hours of my life and painful but they was also meant to be the most amazing and cherished memories, instead they are the most darkest and best of forgotten memories. It could of been worse I could of tore drastically due to Ivy presenting herself face first. I could of ended up laboring for more and more days and no one paying attention to me,Just thinking I was another girl crying wolf not handling labor the way I should.
We then got on to my child hood, I’m guessing everything plays a factor in to my ‘mental health’. We got to the point where she asked about my school life. School was shit, my best friend died when I was ten of cancer. That’s something I think about everyday, she was someone who I was so close to. In a way I feel like I seen to much at a young age, I watched her slowly deteriorate and the cancer take hold on her life. My best friend suddenly became wheelchair bound and to ill to come in school. She was the only person I got on with. One thing that will always get to me to this day was how everyone bullied her, but when she became ill they all want to best friends. People are so fucked up at times. I recently went to her Grave with her Brother, That was closure in itself. It had been ten years since she passed and I never got the chance to say goodbye. One day she was here the next she was gone. I’ll never forget how I found out, I used to write her letters to keep in touch with her because some days she was just to ill. One evening I took one round to her and I just went on bout my day thinking nothing of it. When I got in my Dad said ‘Kate I have something to tell you… Sabah’s died’ at the time I didn’t really understand, but it has defiantly impacted my life. Every headache I get I think about having a brain tumor. I should never of had to experience that at such a young age and she shouldn’t of done. In reality my best friend should still be here going to university and living her life.
We then got on to my adolescent years this is really where my Ocd and anxitey kicked in. I just started year seven around a year after Sabah died. I was sat in the school hall and all of a sudden my head went light and my hearing went muffled. I truly thought I was dying I ran out of the school hall and didn’t know what the fuck was happening to me. Obviously with my head being light and my vision being a bit off my first thought was ‘brain tumour’ things was still fresh there. My panic attacks and Ocd carried on all the way through my teenage years. I wouldn’t say I lived a normal teenage life. I suffered from agrophobia so even getting to school was a challenge. Looking back I think I should of received more help from the school. I was very ill but it went UN-noticed teachers knew about it but failed to really acknowledge the fact that. To me Mental illness is just as bad as having a terminal disease it effects your life in just the same way. Your crippled by it.
When I was 15 I met my first boyfriend, this was my first real relationship. So I didn’t have a clue really about what was a normal relationship and what wasn’t. The relationship started off good then it turned volatile. He became abusive mentally,emotionally and physically. It taken me 2 years to leave that relationship. I knew it was wrong but as many abused women know it’s just not that simple to leave. Your told daily no one loves you but him or no one wants to know you. Before you know it you have no friends as you have cut of all contact and you well and truly believe you can do no better and that is what you deserve.
Moving on from that,we spoke about my relationship with Ivy. Obviously it has been affected to some extent. And I’ve mentioned it many times on my other posts. Sometimes I would die for her other times I could run away and just be me again.
She then asked about my OCD and how it’s affecting me. One part of it is that I can’t stop checking Ivy is breathing when she’s asleep the amount of times I’ve woke her up to make sure she’s okay. And the other part of it is I keep making sure nothing can hurt her an example of this is the other day , I left her downstairs while I ran upstairs to grab a shirt to iron. I left the iron on and ivy was on the floor on the other side of the room. When I got upstairs the first thought in my head was ‘ oh my god, what if that iron falls on her!?’ there was no way it would it was all the way on the other side of the room!. I ran downstairs in a blind panic. Obviously Ivy was still just playing away on her play mat, unhurt.
In the end we decided it would be best for me to have counseling for my type of labor and how I feel about things postpartum and CBT for my OCD.