My Post natal depression Story:

I had a fairly easy pregnancy apart from a few minor problems with my heart, towards the end. I was always warned I was high risk for Post natal depression due to the fact I have suffered with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder & Anxiety since being 9 years old. This heightened during my pregnancy and I ended up taking fluxotine in the final months of my pregnancy, due to panic attacks and agrophobia rearing it’s ugly head again.

I was due on the 15th February 2012 with my first child. I passed my due date by 5 days and I gave birth to Ivy Valentina Garner on the 20th Feb 2012. I had what some would class as a traumatic labour, Ivy was back to back and I contracted regularly for 4 days without pain relief or dilation. When I finally reached 4cm the rest of my labour is a blur due to me over doing the gas and air and not sleeping for 4 nights. I must admit I never felt that rush of love as soon as she was placed on me. I was met with relief the labour was over, and the fact she was finally here. After this bad labour I have since felt very envious of pregnant women thinking that they will have a better/easier labour which I know isn’t true.

It became apparent I was suffering mentally the day after Ivy was born, I wanted to leave the hospital to the point of begging a midwife to let me go home. I never once left my bed after giving birth unless I needed the toilet or Ivy needed feeding. I felt highly anxious at being in a hospital and detached. I begged my partner for his keys to let me go and sleep in the car or to take the baby away from me as all I wanted was to sleep. This to some people would be normal and expected after a prolonged labour but the more worrying fact was that I felt no need to protect my newborn I could of happily of left her at the hospital, while I lay in bed depressed..

I was finally released from hospital two days after giving birth. The Midwifes gave me lots of leaflets on post natal depression and on OCD. I pushed them to one side and became ignorant of the fact that something was clearly up with me. Instead of being the blushing mother bringing my baby home the first thing I did was dump her in her moses basket leave her downstairs with her Dad and declare to him and my mum that they must leave me in bed and not disturb me. My mental health rapidly deteriorated over the next day or so I expected baby blues but this was more of a clear  depression. I didn’t want to know my baby, I felt no maternal instinct towards her and I just wanted to sleep all day.

Two days after Ivy was born, the midwife came to visit where my partner alerted her that I didn’t seem ‘with it’ and my Mum also told her about my lack of bond with Ivy. I remember her asking me questions and I just sat there thinking ‘ I might get my bags tonight and run off. She doesn’t need me she has all these people around her who can care for her. I’m so fucked up’. The midwife suggested I go to see my Dr, although I was lying in bed for most of the day I wasn’t sleeping, If I did get too sleep it was for around an hour maximum and it was a VERY light sleep.

I went to see the Dr and was upped on my medication and was told that really this was inevitable to happen to me given my previous mental health history. I seriously believed at one point I had post natal physcosis and this is where my OCD starts to step in with my PND. I sat at the dr’s panicing because I felt tired and not with it I had a severe form of post natal depression, obviously I didn’t but I couldn’t help but obbsess that I did. That when I got to the Dr’s office I would be sectioned under the mental health act what was complete over thinking and over reacting on my part

 

A few weeks passed and I still felt the same, until one day I read an article in a magazine about babies being swapped in Russia. All of a sudden a thought popped in to my head ‘ maybe Ivy was swapped after I had her’ then all sorts of crazy thoughts came along with that ‘maybe I had a baby that wasn’t right so they swapped her with a normal one’, ‘maybe because Ivy has a funny foot they swapped her’. I re-went back to the Dr’s regarding this and was once again told it’s severe OCD and PND.My medication then got changed from Fluxotine to Paroxtine what has been very helpfull.

It’s now coming up to five months on from having Ivy and I still get very bad days and very good days. When Ivy’s being particularly screamy I find I get a  bad flare of PND and OCD but when she is good I’m able to stay calm.

In this blog I am going to keep blogging my up’s and downs with my PND AND OCD.

Katie x