Update ten months on….

So it’s now been nearly ten months since Ivy was born, so much has happened in these past ten months that it’s really been a crazy year. I’m glad to say my post natal depression seems to be getting soo much better and I feel like I’m nearly over it. I feel like I’ve bonded with Ivy finally and I finally feel that things are getting better for me on a whole. I have came to one decision over the past few months though, I don’t think having a child will happen again for me it’s not something I wish to experience again.

A few months ago I split up with Ivy’s dad it was the hardest thing to do, but I know I’ve done it for the right reasons. I wasn’t happy anymore and I hadn’t been for a long time. There’s only so many times you can be called crazy, retarded and getting told you need to take more tablets for before you finally snap and have enough. Not only that he felt I was inferior to him because I stayed at home looking after the baby and I didn’t deserve what he did, the day I moved in with him was the biggest mistake of my life. I look back now and realize I wasn’t happy for years, although my two best friends Ross and Shaunie could see this I just tried getting through it for the sake of Ivy and part of me believed what he was saying.I truly believe he was played a big factor in my PND by telling me I wasn’t good enough and acting like I was a child. It makes me so angry thinking about it. The good thing is he’s still in regular contact with Ivy but it’s odd he won’t be spending Christmas or new year with her as he’d rather go out and get drunk,it doesn’t affect me but in a way it take me back to the relationship everything is his way whether you agree or not. 

The break  up was kind of messy we owned a house together, Ivy was at a nursery round the corner from the house, i was studying for my midwifery degree but it all got fucked up when he decided he deserved the house more then me and his daughter, so we had to cram ourselves in a bedroom at my mum and dads house for a few weeks until I found the place I live at now. I’m not mad now but it just proves to me more reasons why we split up. I’m sure any other guy would happily let there daughter stay where she is settled but not him. Anyway moving on from that rigmarole.

Last month I found out my best friend was pregnant, I am completely ecstatic. It couldn’t have happened to anyone more worthy of having a child. I can’t wait to start spoiling the little thing it’s going to be the most loved little baby by everyone she knows.. 

Anyhow going back to the PND, as I said it’s nearly cleared up I’ve started doing co-sleeping with Ivy and I think this really helps me because I sleep better at night I don’t have to keep getting up to check she’s breathing or silly things like that. I feel our bond is a whole lot better now I don’t feel so dis-attached to her compared to how I felt four months ago.She’s starting to get a right little character now, she’s crawling and making lots of babbling noises.

Any how just a short rambling up date off me x

 

Birth Trauma, Post Natal Depression and birthing programs….

Yuck, last night I got home from my mums and switched on the tv the first thing that came on was someone giving Birth. Part of me screams to switch it off because I know how I’l feel after watching it,then part of me just wants to watch it as birth is the most amazing thing ever…

I carried on watching it and huge emotions just went over me. I try to recall my birthing experience, the thing is I can’t. The only thing I can remember is me screaming, the feeling of my back breaking and just not opening my eyes.

I mean I can’t even remember Ivy’s first cry, I don’t even know if she did cry, I have to ask people,it’s almost as if someone else gave birth to her and I’m asking them how it went. Looking back I think how disconnected from my birth I was, was what caused them terrible obsessive thoughts about Ivy not being mine or being swapped.

The part that gets me is when the woman is so in tune with herself and her baby, they look as if they get that rush of love instantly and they all look so happy. That’s the bit that breaks me the most, when Ivy was born the first thing I wanted to do was just sleep ( what I’m guessing is normal) and just dump her in her moses basket. Don’t get me wrong I did feel a bit of love for her not that huge rush people talk about and part of me thinks I felt like that because it was what was expected of me.

 It’s crazy thinking I can’t even watch a birthing program, but I’m looking at going in to a career where I will be delivering babies everyday. In a way it could be therapy, it could make me feel better about how things went for me. And I hope my experiences might enhance me and my knowledge as a Midwife.

Either way, I think I need to lay off the birthing programs. I know it’s six months on but it’s all still so raw.