Birth Trauma, Post Natal Depression and birthing programs….

Yuck, last night I got home from my mums and switched on the tv the first thing that came on was someone giving Birth. Part of me screams to switch it off because I know how I’l feel after watching it,then part of me just wants to watch it as birth is the most amazing thing ever…

I carried on watching it and huge emotions just went over me. I try to recall my birthing experience, the thing is I can’t. The only thing I can remember is me screaming, the feeling of my back breaking and just not opening my eyes.

I mean I can’t even remember Ivy’s first cry, I don’t even know if she did cry, I have to ask people,it’s almost as if someone else gave birth to her and I’m asking them how it went. Looking back I think how disconnected from my birth I was, was what caused them terrible obsessive thoughts about Ivy not being mine or being swapped.

The part that gets me is when the woman is so in tune with herself and her baby, they look as if they get that rush of love instantly and they all look so happy. That’s the bit that breaks me the most, when Ivy was born the first thing I wanted to do was just sleep ( what I’m guessing is normal) and just dump her in her moses basket. Don’t get me wrong I did feel a bit of love for her not that huge rush people talk about and part of me thinks I felt like that because it was what was expected of me.

 It’s crazy thinking I can’t even watch a birthing program, but I’m looking at going in to a career where I will be delivering babies everyday. In a way it could be therapy, it could make me feel better about how things went for me. And I hope my experiences might enhance me and my knowledge as a Midwife.

Either way, I think I need to lay off the birthing programs. I know it’s six months on but it’s all still so raw. 

Today is just one of them days…

 

Today is just one of them days. Women on my Facebook seem to be having babies left right and centre. I always wonder what they expect things to be like postpartum. We are always told when we have our babies we are going to feel this over whelming love for them and that we will know right there and then we would lay ourselves on the line for them. Part of my also wonders what they expect of motherhood, do they expect it to be one big fairytale like many mum’s make it out to be? When the truth is you have this baby and some days it feels like the best thing ever and the next day it can feel like a complete burden on your life.

 

I remember when I was pregnant with Ivy; I had so many expectations of myself. I always thought everything would be amazing when I had her. When in fact I didn’t. I remember forcing out every little smile or every time someone asked ‘are you proud?’ forcing out a yes or when out asked ”I bet you couldn’t live without her now could you?’ back then the truth was, yes I could of quite happily of just gave her away, after birth I was suffering with horrendous postnatal depression. I didn’t know I was but it’s clear now I am/was.

 

Every time I hear of a pregnant woman going into labour or even see one. I can’t help but feel nervous and jealous. Jealous of the fact they get experience labour and the post-partum period and may have a better time than me. And nervous at the thought of having to go through a bad labour, and a horrible time postpartum. I remember having huge expectations of myself during my pregnancy. I thought I would have my baby and be this doting mother to my child, not the mother who sits there wishing she could run away from her new-born. The feeling came on pretty quickly when I was in hospital after delivery I hadn’t slept for close to a week, I begged Rob for his car keys to which he clearly replied ‘what about the baby?’, That didn’t even cross my mind, I didn’t care I just wanted to be alone.

 

Nine weeks after Ivy was born  Rob’s brother’s girlfriend also had her first child via c-section. I remember all I felt was jealousy and a deep horrible feeling I can’t explain. I spent the whole week crying after she had her baby, wishing I was her, wishing I could just feel what it’s like to experience that rush of love and to feel elated to be a new mother. Then I just felt plain jealous that she had it ‘easy’ and that she had bonded with her baby straight away. I remember meeting my friend that day and just bursting out in to tears and just feeling plain daft.

It’s hard to explain to other people, In a lot of people’s eyes I had an easy labour just slightly complicated. A lot of the time it’s not the labour I had that gets at me it’s my postpartum experience, the feeling of resenting this new baby and my partner. Feeling trapped by both of them. Feeling like my Mum and partner were better for her then me. And just wanting to run away as far as I could. One day I was sat on the bus and I just thought to myself ‘this bus goes in to Manchester, I could just get a train and go London or somewhere and start a new life for myself, Ivy doesn’t need me’ .I pondered on the thought for a while but then something just made me think rationally, Ivy needs me every little girl needs their mum.

 

I think I will always feel some kind of negative feeling towards having a baby. It’s not a happy memory for me. I grieve daily for the way things went, wishing I could go back and change things. Mentally I don’t think I was ready to be a mum. Me and Rob had only been together two years we didn’t even really know if we was right for each other, I hadn’t sorted out my career, I hadn’t finished studying. I just felt plain trapped by both of them. At one point I resented the hell out of Rob, anything he did grated on me from the way he was amazing with Ivy to the fact he got a break by going to work every day.

 

I wouldn’t change anything now. I’ve learnt that I can have my baby and I can go on to do my career I want to do in midwifery. Some days are better than others but when I look at Ivy, I know every little bit of depression I suffer or hurt I feel over things is because she is my world plain and simple. I want everything to be perfect for her and I want myself to be the best I can be for her. But if you ask me now do I love being a mum, the answer is ‘no’ I still haven’t found my feet and mentally I’ve still not dealt with things.